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Handy Tips for Mastiff Owners

17 Jan

Answers to Standard Mastiff Questions:     

Bentley and Boadie

  • No, I don’t have a saddle.
  • Three cups of dry food twice a day and a couple of Pomeranians.
  • No, I don’t own a front-loader.
  • Yes, they drool.  (Hand subject towel here.)
  • Females about 150-175, Males from 185 – 240.
  • They sleep wherever they please, including on top of their owners.
  • Their job is to protect me.  G’head…take your best shot.
  • They are the largest dog on the planet per body mass.
  • I’ve seen bigger piles from a beagle.
  • If you have to ask, you can’t afford one.

Required Equipment / Abilities:
  • Ability to step over a riding lawnmower and maintain balance (Mastiff-Hammie Stretch) –
  • Large bed plus spare room in the event that they take over –
  • Pet Insurance (We have VPI per our vet’s recommendation, but there are many carriers.) –
  • 60 terry cleaning, shop or hand towels, one to be handed to each guest on arrival  –
  • Full combat body armor, steel-toed boots and helmet (for puppies 10 weeks to a year) –
  • The patience of Job –
  • Explain in advance that your “puppy” weighs 150 pounds before people visit, thus avoiding shock and- awe and a dwindling social circle.-
  • Large vehicle with ramp, steps or hydraulics (Our Range Rover is THE perfect drool-bucket.) –
  • A great positive reinforcement trainer – No alpha/pack mentality egotists.
  • Loving, patient neighbors, family and friends who understand that you’ve gone over to the other side.-
  • Learn to apologize in advance for spit, smashed toes, and humans pinned to walls, doors, etc. due to the “Mastiff-Leaning” procedure.-
  • No less than 1 year of research on the breed PRIOR to obtaining a Mastiff puppy –
  • Ability to hold your breath for up to 3 minutes or until someone removes large furry growth from your chest –
  • Ability to hold your breath up to 4 minutes while running in the event of Mastiff gas in an enclosed area –
  • Do not be alarmed that your furniture may spontaneously become rearranged, overturned or consumed (Citrus spray recommended in convenient locations.) –
  • 7 – 9 large water bowls plus large food bowl on raised stand –
  • 17 giant dog pillows (also an acceptable location for you if bed has indeed been taken over.) –
  • A doggie door large enough to accommodate a  1975 VW Superbeetle –
  • Fenced pool, rescue ramp and flotation vest for accompanied swimming, as many Mastiffs sink like the Titanic –
  • A Halti, Martingale or Gentle Leader. (If you put a spike, shock or choke collar on your dog, we will hunt you down and adorn you in kind…for LIFE.) –
  •  The best vet on the planet –
  • A good chiropractor for yourself –
  • The ability to continue driving safely within your lane with spit dripping off your sunglasses –
  • Indoor and outdoor toy boxes overflowing with appropriate industrial strength toys –
  • The ability to wipe drool from ceiling fans, artwork, furniture, appliances and from inside your best friend’s ear (Commonly referred to as “Spit Patrol”) –
  • Enough love, hugs, kisses, belly scratches and ear-noogies for a lifetime of pure joy with your gentle giant. –
  • A commitment to be there with your dog…from the beginning to the very end, knowing he’s been there for you. –
  • A good camera to capture every moment you possibly can, as they are gone too much, much  too soon.
© Copyright 2011 Mary Watson
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2 Comments

Posted by on January 17, 2011 in Muddy Pawz

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Handy Tips for Mastiff Owners

  1. Karen Stegwell

    August 15, 2011 at 11:42 am

    I was trying to remember something you forgot on your lists, but looks like you covered all the\ bases for now!! We love the gentle giants.

     
  2. Barbara Peterson

    August 15, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Geez, 51, this is great. You have a wonderful way with words. These descriptions are so very entertaining and funny and true!!

     
 
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