The following is a copy of the e-mail I sent to my husband this morning after the smoke cleared…
Ya know…I’ve always made really great banana nut bread. Remember? You even photographed some, Hunnie, and put the pictures on the internet to show your friends. You were so proud.
I don’t know what happened to the last two that made them go all “heavy masonry” on me this past weekend, and I felt bad about that. Banana Nut Bread Failure. I took some solace in your blaming it on the odd double yolk in the egg. It was so very kind of you to suggest that it might make great biscotti for our coffee.
So this morning after you left, looking all spiffy in your white starched shirt…off to deal with the monkeys in the pickle factory, I was so grateful to you and for you. (There goes my husband…bringing home the bacon and the bones.) I decided I would (by God) make you some awesome, photo-ready banana nut bread that you SO deserved.
I thought, “ What a great way to start the day with warm golden loaves baking and our two beautiful English Mastiffs at my side and Christmas carolers on the stereo. Now what did I do differently the last time from my usual?” Well, originally, Olivia (my mentor) taught me that I could throw all the ingredients into the Cuisinart and make much less work and mess and be finished in half the time. Last weekend, I used an old fashioned mixing bowl and a blender.
Determined to do it RIGHT this time, I pulled out the Cuisinart, put all the dry ingredients in, using a different can of baking powder and a different kind of salt, measuring very carefully. I mixed the dry ingredients, and remembered I didn’t have enough nuts. I dashed to Fresh and Easy and got a bag of pecans. Came home, tossed in the oil, milk and bananas and as I was putting in the last banana, the milk started leaking out the bottom of the Cuisinart, onto the counter and spilling down the cabinets onto the floor. Not a problem. Mastiffs are the BEST at kitchen clean-up! We call it “Hoovering” here at Casa de Muddy Pawz. Micah lapped it off the counter and my elbow while Nala took floor, shoe and cabinet duty. Yeah…”Out of the kitchen!” failed again and I was frantically trying to clean up the milk with approximately 300 pounds of mastiffs shoving me this way and that. I thought, “Quick! Throw the lid on the Cuisinart and blend it in!” It worked! The leaking stopped, but now I had no idea how much milk was left in the batter. So I just put “some more” milk in, slapped the lid on and very quickly mixed until it looked like banana bread batter should…I hoped…if I remembered correctly.
I mopped up the dog spit from the counter, floor, cabinets, shoes, and poured the batter into the greased pans. I stuck my finger in the batter for the mandatory taste test. Hmmmm. Banana mud. I had left out the sugar. <slap> I scraped and poured the batter back out of the pans into the leaky Cuisinart, threw in a cup of sugar and hit “blend”. (Micah likes that sound. A lot. He wants to INSPECT that sound, and besides…the machine smells like bananas and milk.) I threatened Micah with the antique whip hanging on the wall as I ran to the bathroom to wash banana batter from my hands, sweatpants and hoodie. Back to the kitchen. Puppy looking like I actually USED the whip on him. Nothing worse than dog guilt. I put the batter back in the pans, not giving a rats ass whether I needed to re-grease them. NUTS! I forgot the frikkin’ NUTS! Batter back into the Cuisinart. Whir-whirrr-sniff-sniff-sniff. Back into the %$@* pans, slopping batter everywhere, screaming, “I don’t CARE anymore!” and threw them in the oven…dripping. Nala reentered the kitchen and helped Micah Hoover up any new drippings. I threw everything in the sink, perfunctorily inspected the Cuisinart, wiped it down and collapsed in a chair.
Ya know what? I’m okay with that.